Matthew Broderick provides more evidence of how much older (and bigger) our generation of ‘Mericans is getting – they say, on average, we add a pound a year once you hit 30…

This CSM story has more on today’s Super Bowl car ads and, of course, just search Google and you’ll get just about everything you could ever want on the subject.

This week’s police reports are a rather odd collection, mostly bereft of alcohol related incidents for some unknown reason. For months now, it’s been unusually warm around here and the locals have been acting (and drinking) like it was summer time, but, last week saw fee late-night antics finding their way onto the police blotter, though there seems to have been a marked increase in crazy people dialing 911 such as the first highlighted item below.

• Diesel fumes were getting into a resident of 5th Avenue’s home and making them sick because their neighbor lets their vehicle run for 30 minutes when they start their car.
• Text messages a man thought were being sent to a girl were actually going to a girl’s boyfriend. The boyfriend threatened the man, leading him to call dispatch.
• Around 8 p.m., a woman caller was ranting about illegal technologies, saying she was “going for the death penalty.”
• A hand grenade was found by a man cleaning out his mother-in-law’s belongings.
• A woman driving a gray truck sped through a school zone on South Eighth Avenue while cussing and flipping off a woman that told her to slow down.
• About 20 to 25 ducks were holding up traffic on West College Street near South 23rd Avenue around 3:30 p.m.
• A dispatcher heard a man saying, “If I have to tell you again you are getting smacked on your butt,” over the sound of phone buttons being pushed. The man told the dispatcher he was changing a diaper, and he has 2-year-old and 8-week-old children and was “sleep-deprived.”
• Someone brought a child in for a discussion about hitting teachers.
• A drunken man called dispatch to complain about Bozeman Deaconess Hospital hanging up on him.
• Dispatch fielded a call from a father worried about his daughter possibly eating too many Flintstone vitamins.
• A concerned county resident called about several cats, a rabbit and birds being kept in a Churchill Road residence along with young children.
• At 1 p.m. a member of Girl Scouts wanted to know if she could get a tour of the police station.
• A man in his late 30s was taking pictures of all the houses in a Durango Lane neighborhood. When confronted, he claimed to work with the tax department.
• Despite their downstairs neighbor pounding on the ceiling with a stick, residents of an apartment on Main Street would not turn the volume of their television down at 11:45 p.m.
• Deputies checked on a pedestrian that was walking along the interstate at 2 a.m.
• Deputies took a report of a stolen vehicle. It was determined that the man who reported the theft had been driving the vehicle while under the influence of alcohol. The man had wrecked the vehicle and fled the scene of the accident. He was arrested for driving under the influence and reckless driving.
• A caller reported a spray-painted message on the window of a West Lamme Street apartment building that read: “My boyfriend is beating me up.” Police responded to the apartment and completed a search at 4:10 p.m. that yielded no arrests.
• Someone took a bag of garbage from a Flathead Avenue home.

After some promising weeks of police reports in the New Year, it’s another disappointing batch below as the warm weather and lack of snow seem to have compelled many people to either drink even more than usual or just give up all together and stay home. There were a couple reports of the intoxicated stumbling into places they shouldn’t be in the wee hours, something that normally occurs during the summer, and that first highlighted item about satellites is a real doozy, but, overall, it’s been kind of dull for law enforcement.

• Someone was heard through the walls of a South 15th Avenue residence yelling “there is not enough marijuana.”
• An upset woman claimed she would “shut down the Bozeman Police Department” if someone didn’t do something. She said there were satellites over her house and wanted a deputy to go over and “record what’s going on.”
• A man playing with a gun accidentally shot himself in the right calf and left thigh.
• A 49-year-old man told police he has had about nine to 10 beers in the past day and hasn’t showered for a month.
• A deputy stopped a man seen driving in a ditch near the Logan Interchange around 1:30 a.m. The man wasn’t drunk but had been up for more than 30 hours and told the deputy he was planning to sleep in his car. The deputy told him that was a good idea.

• A drunken man walked into an unlocked house on Launfal Lane around 2 a.m., then walked out.
• A 74-year-old man was sitting outside an East Main Street bar talking to himself around 2:45 a.m.
• A chicken was loose outside the bus barn near East Peach Street and North Wallace Avenue.
• A 6-foot tall man with ratty hair and a beard walked into an East Babcock Street business and took off his shirt. He didn’t appear drunk but was possibly high.
• A driver was warned for driving without headlights at 1:30 a.m. on Main Street.
• A 24-year-old intoxicated man claiming he was “Casey’s friend” refused to leave a stranger’s home he had mistakenly entered on Olive Street at 7:25 a.m. After the owners of the home called police the trespasser began urinating in the kitchen and then left. Officers soon found the man down the street and arrested him for criminal trespassing and mischief.
• Officers responded to a loud party reported on 20th Avenue at 11 p.m. They found a small group of young adults having a Christmas party for one of their friends who had never had a Christmas.
• A woman asked police to check to ensure her East Main Street business was locked. She couldn’t remember if she had locked the door when she’d left.
• A man with a new phone accidentally dialed 911 around 9 p.m. He said he OK and was at his sister’s watching “American Idol.”
• A vehicle was swerving in and out of a ditch on Love Lane around 3:30 a.m. and “acting very strange.”
• A woman who was not intoxicated was sleeping in her running car on Pebble Brook Lane around 8:30 a.m.
• A South 16th Avenue resident had received text messages from someone saying “Thanks for the jail time” and then called dispatch to figure out if the person had been arrested.
• The driver of a white cargo truck refused to pull over despite blowing a tire and “throwing tread” near Baxter and Jackrabbit lanes.

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Colbert wasn’t on the ballot, so he urged voters to choose Herman Cain as a proxy vote for his own candidacy, but it bore little fruit, managing to attract only one percent of the vote.

Yes, there’s been a noticeable improvement in the police reports lately as, apparently, unseasonably warm weather and the lack of snow have compelled some of the citizenry to behave as though it’s summertime, out and about in the wee hours of the morning after imbibing too much. Even the reports that are not alcohol-related are quite entertaining, such as the first two items in the list, and I didn’t know that law enforcement officials could track down a stolen iPhone as easily as described in the fifth item below.

• A man said his computer is being attacked from a wireless router. This has never happened to him before and he is visiting Bozeman. He said it is ruining his vacation.
• The driver of a compact car traveling slowly near Gallatin and Little Bear roads wouldn’t pull over so others could pass. The driver would also speed up in areas where other drivers had a chance to pass, keeping them from passing.
• A drunken man threw a pint glass at a bartender at a Main Street bar and then ran away.
• A drunken man was seen at the intersection of South Grand Avenue and West Alderson Street, lying in the street with his head in front of a vehicle’s driver’s side tire around 6 a.m. The man was taken to the hospital.
• Police tracked down a jacket, purse and iPhone stolen from a woman at Bar IX using her iPhone’s tracking software. The items were found in the bathroom with $20 missing from the wallet.

• Two people got mad at a woman’s dog that was sniffing their dog and kicked the pup.
• A 62-year-old woman was arrested for driving under the influence around 5:30 p.m. after getting into an accident near the roundabout on College Street.
• A man was seen trying to open the doors of cars parked on Lillian Way around 4 a.m.
• A deputy gave a ride to a California man whose friends abandoned him at Big Sky. The deputy saw the man walking on U.S. Highway 191 attempting to walk the 48 miles back to Bozeman around 1:30 a.m.
• A fence broke on Saxon Way, allowing at least one cow to get out.
• Jake, a chocolate Lab, was reported missing from a pickup truck near West Mendenhall Street and North Willson Avenue around 6:15 p.m. The owner said he could’ve jumped out but believed he was dognapped.
• An extremely drunken man called police while “running for his life” near Manhattan South Road and Wooden Shoe Lane around 2:30 a.m. He told dispatch he was punched by a woman at a house party and believed he was about to get shot. When deputies picked him up he could not remember where the party was. He was given a ride home.
• There was a dead moose in the northbound lane of Gallatin Road around 5:30 p.m.
• There may be a small, nocturnal animal living in the attic of a Deanna Place modular home.
• An officer warned a drunken man about taking a chair from a business near North Eighth Avenue and West Main Street.
• Someone broke into a vehicle parked on Michael Grove Avenue and put feces on the seats.
• A Pache Road resident’s dog came home carrying a 14-inch knife in its mouth. The resident believed the person living in a tent on the neighbor’s yard had something to do with it.
• A man arrested Friday called to apologize for his behavior and asked for his hunting knife back.
• A 22-year-old woman was arrested on aggravated drunken driving charges after an officer witnessed the rear bumper of her car dragging along the ground. She had collided with a lamppost.
• A man “butt-dialed” 911 at 11:15 p.m.

_
Colbert appeared on This Week with George Stephanopoulos earlier today and, while providing more than a few chuckles, shed light in his own satirical way about how money in politics has entered a new and more dangerous phase following the 2010 Supreme Court decision that changed the rules for corporate political donations that, essentially, allows unlimited spending by any group that registers as a political action committee, so long as their activities are not “coordinated” with a candidate.

Things appear to be livening up a little bit around here after weeks of mostly dull police reports, the first item below being a summary of this story in today’s paper that, for some reason, editors felt deserved to be a featured report. This was just one of multiple similar reports last week, a category that hasn’t really been noticed in the year or so since these police reports have became regular Saturday fare here. And remember, driving with your lights off at 2 AM is one of the surest ways to get pulled over for drunk driving.

• A Big Sky woman was accused of slipping out of handcuffs while riding in the back of a patrol car, pulling down her pants and urinating. The woman was arrested in Big Sky for aggravated drunken driving around 4 a.m. Friday and, before being taken  to Gallatin County jail (about 40 miles away), was allowed to use the restroom at the Big Sky Fire Station. But while traveling on U.S. Highway 191 near Deer Creek, she was able to remove her handcuffs, unbuckle her seat belt, pull her pants down, and then urinated in the back of the squad car.
• Police warned two men on East Main Street around 2:30 a.m. for being disorderly “as they were having a heated discussion about the end of the world.”
• A yellow Nissan truck that says “pooper man” on the side has been parked near East Curtiss Street and South Wallace Avenue for three months.
• A teenage boy was seen urinating under an apple tree in a North Eighth Avenue woman’s yard at 12:46 p.m.
• A slender man with black goggles was walking toward the library when he gave a woman a weird feeling.

• A caller complained about someone getting pulled over and arrested in his driveway near West College Street and South Willson Avenue. The caller thought this was unnecessary to occur in his driveway, particularly because the car was left in his driveway.
• A woman called to report her friend stranded, out of gas and freezing in the Big Sky area at 3:10 a.m. Deputies found the man asleep in a stolen vehicle and arrested him.
• A 33-year-old Bozeman woman was arrested for drinking and driving near West Main Street after getting pulled over for driving with her headlights turned off at 2:06 a.m.
• A South 22nd Avenue man accidentally shot himself in the leg while handling a pistol.
• A woman had to drive in reverse for about a block down North Grand Avenue to avoid a collision with a snowplow driver that did not see her.
• An intoxicated woman fell and cut herself. The person who called dispatch at 4:59 a.m. didn’t believe she needed medical attention but noted that she had “been yelling and screaming for about three hours.”
• An officer removed a picnic table from the middle of West Main Street around 2:15 a.m.
• A newspaper rack was moved from the middle of the intersection of South 11th Avenue and West College Street around 3 a.m.
• A drunken woman stalled out her car in an East Main Street parking lot and passed out behind the wheel around 5:30 a.m. The car rolled into two other vehicles.
• A 25-year-old female fell off the Six Shooter lift at Moonlight Basin Resort at noon and hit her head. She was transported to the first aid room and was conscious and breathing.
• A caller reported two people heading back to Bozeman from Salt Lake City with “a boatload of cocaine.” The case was turned over to the drug task force.
• Residents of a northwest Bozeman neighborhood awoke to find the license plates of their vehicles spray-painted red.
• An old Christmas tree was causing a traffic hazard in the middle of a road around 10:30 p.m.

Maybe there’s something more to this latest batch of police reports than meets the eye (I confess to not knowing what a “construction candlestick” is and Google Images provided no help), but considering that this covers the period through January 2nd and all the related mischief that would be expected at that time, it just seems kind of dull. Sure, there were a few DUIs that may have been more unruly than was let on, but, overall, save for another possible leopard sighting, it was a bit disappointing.

• A drunken man who claimed his address was “Vietnam” was given a ride to a motel.
• An officer stopped a group of young adults dragging a “construction candlestick” near South 12th Avenue and West Koch Street at 11 p.m. The officer made them put the “candlestick” back where they found it and pour out their beers.
• An orange jumpsuit was found in the jail Dumpster just past midnight. Officers believe it was a costume.
• A Damarell Road resident called dispatch with questions regarding a possible leopard in a neighbor’s house.
• A man brought in a skull he found in front of his South Seventh Avenue home. It turned out to be an animal skull.

• A Big Sky woman called to report that she was chased by a plow driver while skiing with clients several days ago. She said the driver was trying to get them off the road and that they had another confrontation with the plow driver two days later.
• A 21-year-old Bozeman man driving on West Main Street was stopped for speeding and arrested for speeding, having no insurance and aggravated DUI.
• Police found a woman sleeping in her car in a parking lot near North Black Avenue and East Mendenhall Street at 1:45 a.m. She was warned about drinking and driving and given a ride home.
• A man was walking around East Main Street and North Tracy Avenue in a tank top and blue pants at 4:18 a.m., telling another man he was going “to kick his butt.”
• A man called dispatch concerned that Middle Eastern men at a local hotel were acting suspicious.
• A 24-year-old man from Williston, N.D., was arrested and jailed with $2,360 bond on charges of DUI, eluding an officer, reckless driving, having no headlights and no insurance.
• Some folks in the 2100 block of West College Street were smoking a lot of marijuana, a caller reported.
• A man found sitting inside the Emerson Center for the Arts & Culture at 5:20 a.m. lied to police about who he was and provided someone else’s identification. He was arrested for minor in possession, obstructing an officer and unlawful use of a license.
• Someone thought an undercover cop was following him on the highway.
• A big mutt was running around Teton Avenue at 8:19 a.m.
• Someone slashed the tires on a Valhalla Court man’s car. The car was also egged and had ketchup and mustard poured all over it.
• A 28-year-old Gallatin Gateway man was arrested on North 10th Avenue and jailed on $2,730 bond on charges of a second offense of driving under the influence, driving with a suspended drivers license, having no insurance, possession of marijuana and marijuana paraphernalia.
• Feces was smeared on a car parked overnight on Kimball Avenue.
• Several mailboxes were hit on Rolling Hills Drive near Panorama Drive East. Mail was everywhere.
• A concerned mother had officers check on her daughter at 12:42 a.m. She was fine.

— Happy New Year to one and all and thanks for reading! —

There was a noticeable increase last week in the kind of activity that has come to characterize the police reports section of the local newspaper, allaying concerns expressed here previously that the town had somehow become more domesticated in recent weeks. No drunks were apprehended after stumbling into peoples homes in the wee hours and passing out on the couch, but there were plenty of other alcohol related incidents along with a good collection of reports on animals including a mountain lion and a leopard.

• A mutt followed someone home from the bar at 1:16 a.m.
• Two drunken 19-year-old girls were pulled over for driving with the car’s headlights off at 2:05 a.m. The driver was arrested for driving under the influence and the passenger was cited for minor in possession.
• Someone was pounding on a woman’s apartment door at 4:07 a.m. She told dispatch someone was howling outside her window the night before.
• When a Golden Rod Lane man told his neighbor to stop shoveling his sidewalk, the neighbor began swearing at him.

• A neighbor’s dog pooped in a Pond Row woman’s yard.
• A 25-year-old man accidentally shot his hand in a North 17th Avenue apartment.
• A skier was stuck halfway down the Bighorn Run at Big Sky Resort. The snow was too thick, the skier told dispatch.
• Two drunken, underage men were going through people’s yards and looking through things along Shady Rest Street at 2:34 a.m.
• A 5-year-old called 911 with a disconnected phone. Her mother told dispatch she didn’t realize it would still work
• An adult woman called dispatch to dispel a rumor that she had made out with a 15-year-old boy at the Bozeman High School homecoming. She said she “in no way had such contact” with the boy and was upset he spread the foul rumor.
• Someone hit a bald Three Forks man in the head with a baseball bat at 4:16 a.m. on Christmas.
• A man trying to change his voicemail password accidentally dialed 911.
• A caller believed a mountain lion was hanging around a veterinary clinic on All West Trail, but deputies found no evidence of the large cat.
• An orange jumpsuit was found in the jail Dumpster just past midnight. Officers believe it was a costume.
• People broke into a Dollar Drive shed and were growing marijuana.
• A man previously warned for parking in a fire lane on West Main Street called to complain about other vehicles parking in the fire lane.
• Someone slashed the tires on a Valhalla Court man’s car. The car was also egged and had ketchup and mustard poured all over it.
• A Damarell Road resident called dispatch with questions regarding a possible leopard in a neighbor’s house.